When I say, he can keep his future with his awkward white girls
I know I don’t think white girls are awkward
I know I have always thought white girls to be beautiful and soft and full of grace like birds taking flight
I know I have always believed their embraces to be inviting and warm like coming home to a cup of hot cocoa on a cold winters day in a home that actually served warm drinks on days when you needed them
I know I have always believed their love to be much more uncomplicated
I know it’s the brown girl in me that feels the sting
My mouth wants to retaliate
For losing his lips pressed down on them
I know it has nothing to do with white girls at all but has everything to do with him making it clear that he ain’t never tried anything with no brown girls before.
That he always thought them to be too violent. Too angry. Too hard. Too hurt. Too volatile. They have always been too much.
I thought I could love him through his brown girl dilemma
Show him the softer side of us
Show him that we too, can love just as gently as we love fiercely
Show him that we too, are full of soft body embraces and tender moments just as we are full of the need for revolution and fists in the air
Show him that the deep wounds that world has inflicted upon us only created chasms that we have learned on our own how to fill with love
Show him that we are deserving of love, even when we are full of chaos and complications as many of us are still moving down this path of perpetual healing and navigating the stars that are constantly re-arranged in our nights sky.
Show him that that we are trail blazers, and trail way makers, and this is why if we get lost on our way to loving someone, our survival skills will make sure that we are never lost for very long.
But that is always my case, trying to love brown boys through their dilemmas knowing I am never going to be the answer
After all, so many of us rise up through the struggle
and don’t we need just a little more love?
I tried to be that reflection of his own brown divine for him
Be the moon bouncing back all of the light from the sun
Saying, baby our people have lived in darkness for far too long, take my hand and let us live in this light for some time
Take my hand, and let us find a home in each other
but you can’t make someone see the beauty of their own if they’re not ready to see it
and you can’t be with someone who was never prepared to really love their own like that
he said, I never thought I would date a brown girl
maybe he will
maybe he won’t
but it won’t
be this brown girl
I am not able to un-complicate myself for him enough, and my understanding is met with only a need for more understanding, not with my own reflection.
I’ve got work for the people to do
a son to raise who will learn what it means to love his own
I’ve got too much on my mind to take this time
to lead him through this labyrinth
because I fought too hard to love myself
to forget how mixed blood, mixed up, and god damned beautiful I am
I’ve got too much of this world on my shoulders to be holding some mans hand, pulling him through the raging colonial rivers so that he can find himself and learn how to love me like I ought to be loved.